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< 2003-02-16 : hey hey, ho ho >
hey hey, ho ho 2003-02-16 - 10:34 p.m.
Took the kids to the anti-war march in San Francisco today. Their first big protest march ever--aww--and it was San Francisco's biggest ever, too. Just wall to wall people, quite a few of them little kids. I hope they all remember it. We went with Frank and Fiona, Fiona's sister Maria, Joe and Colt and their darling low-maintenance kids, and Roger the lapsed ascetic, who made his own sign, which was really quite smashing. The entire mass of people walked in slow motion, and the crowd was so enormous that any noise it made was low and drawn-out and dramatically large. Made me think of lava and tectonic plates and other things that rumble and crash underground.
Duff cut out early to go to DundraCon and play Vampire: The Eternal Struggle (I'm only writing that out because I know it makes you giggle, Stephen). Joe had to leave early, too, because he was having some sort of work-related dinner meeting with his writers. At Civic Center, I could hear speakers but not see them (couldn't see anything because we were all so walled in by people), and I could smell food but not find it. Alice Walker spoke, sounding like Maya Angelou Lite, and Bonnie Raitt sang (very well), as did Joan Baez (not so well). Dolores Huerta spoke, and I'm a little ashamed to say that I have heard her speak so many times at different protests that I just completely tuned it out. I still think she's cool, though. I forget who else there was. It's hard to pay attention to people you can't see, no matter how famous they are.
I looked everywhere for justvisiting and her daughter but unfortunately, everywhere turned out to be only three feet in every direction. There was simply no visibility to be had. So we will have to make a play date; that's all there is to it.
I want to write a million words about it all, but I'm so tired I'm ready to fall off this chair.
Afterward we had Chinese food at Frank and Fiona's. We started talking about Lord of the Rings and Colt said, "Do you let your kids watch Lord of the Rings?" and I said, "Oh yeah, they totally love Lord of the Rings."
"Oh, I'm so glad!" she shrieked. "We're not the only ones!!" So we bonded over that.
Okay, I'm really going to bed now. Love you all. Ni night.
big weekend 2003-02-14 - 3:48 p.m.
I got a spam today via my D-land address that featured the following subject line: "i am not perfect but i suck c0ck."
I can relate to that.
Lots going on around here. My Mom moved in, did I mention that? Going on two weeks now. Things were just getting horribly frosty between her and my sister.
Today is our nine-year anniversary. I don't think we're doing anything.
Just finished addressing the invitations for Jinx's birthday party next Saturday. His birthday was last September...
Criminy joined a theater group and they'll be doing a musical in June. Felony got moved up into the older girls' dance classes and is having major personality clashes with her sworn enemies on the dance team.
I'm planning to go into the City Sunday to join the anti-war march and hopefully be able to meet up with justvisiting. I know at least four other people who'll be there, too. It's all rather exciting. Like going to a Big Game (not that I've ever actually done that. Someday).
fear and loathing and trading spaces 2003-02-11 - 11:35 p.m.
If anybody tried to do this to me, I would never speak to them again. Fortunately, Duff seems to feel the same way.
knock on wood 2003-02-05 - 9:20 p.m.
This day has been bigger than I am. This whole week; completely overdone, and it's only half over. My arm is nearly relentless. I'm so sick of it. My filling is not entirely filled, or unfulfilled, or something. I take a drink of water and ZOWIE! Pain, pain, pain. So glad my pain is only the dumb tedious kind. So far. Knock on wood.
nah, definitely not 2003-01-31 - 8:38 a.m.
This morning I dreamed that Stephen and Ricks were getting married and I was there, taking pictures. Except I kept missing the best shots because I couldn't get the camera focused when I needed it. Gee, a dream about lack of focus, and missing the best parts of Important Life Events as a result. I wonder what that could be about? Certainly not my pervasive low-level anxiety about A.D.D. gobbling up my productivity? I think I should mention, for Stephen's benefit, that in this dream everyone looked Hollywood-perfect and impeccably dressed, even the small children and lap dogs (!) that were running around.
self-hating shrew 2003-01-29 - 10:34 p.m.
I hate myself and I want to die. Okay, that's bullshit. But I really feel lousy. Not physically, but mentally; not depressed exactly, just self-loathing and incompetent. That's it--I'm a self-hating shrew.
Feel as if I'm turning into a Neanderthal. Feel my brow becoming heavier. Can hardly see out from under it now.
Fuh. Am losing language. Fuh fuh fuhgetty. Sucks. It all sucks. Will go to bed and try to lead myself into a sugarplum dream.
dr. feelbad 2003-01-29 - 8:20 a.m.
Trying hard to climb out of a pit the last couple of days. Feeling low, I started looking around for information about A.D.D. meds, possible alternatives, and found out about a new, non-stimulant one (Strattera). Had been meaning to go to the doctor's anyway because of my arm. Called the doctor's office on Friday and they asked me if I wanted to come Monday at 8:45 a.m. I said that was a little early for me and they put me in for 10 a.m. Monday. Great, right? But I wasn't insisting, or rushing them, or anything. So then I get to the doctor's office, and the doctor's assistant, whatever she's called, tells me the doctor is running very late and I can either talk to him about the medication OR my arm, but not both. She says, "I've gotten in trouble with him before for trying to do this."
I pick "talk about medication" and immediately I am kicking myself. I should have said arm pain. Superstitiously, I begin to fear that the arm pain will become unbearable as soon as I leave the doctor's office. Because I chose a psychic pain over a physical pain. My body will decide to show me who's boss around here, I'm sure of it.
I go sit in the exam room and I am feeling upset. Harried. When I get mad, I start to cry, because I do not have my emotions entirely under control. Never have. Last time I cried in front of Dr. Zilch, he teased me about it. I try to focus my mind, write down the information about the medication on one of his scratch pads. Hurrying. Just want to get in and get out. But my eyes are watering and steaming up. My personal hot springs. I know my face is turning red, too.
Have I broken doctor's office etiquette by wanting to discuss two things in one visit? Are you only supposed to address one thing at a time? If so, I'm unaware of this rule. I know it's not cool to come in with a laundry list of ailments, but one pain and one question about medication is too much?
Come to think of it, I've gotten lots of bad vibes from this office. For one thing, I can't remember ever coming here when the doctor wasn't running late. Which doesn't bother me. But the last time I made an appointment, they left a message on my machine, in sharp tones, saying, "We are calling to confirm your appointment for tomorrow. If you do not return this call, we WILL cancel your appointment."
I felt chastised, but I couldn't remember what I had done to provoke the hostility. So I called them and said, "Have I done something wrong? Did I miss an appointment in the past and I just don't remember it?"
"Oh, no," they told me. "That's just Dr. Zilch's new policy, because he's had too many cancellations."
I start to blame myself for not taking the 8:45 a.m. appointment. If I come then, maybe he wouldn't have been running so late. But then I think, Hell's bells, it's only ten o'clock. This isn't my fault!
Maybe Dr. Zilch is just overbooking. And if that's the case, maybe he isn't the right doctor for me. I know he's competent, which is what has kept me coming back, but I'm too damn sensitive for this tough-love stuff.
I scribble a co-pay check, toss it to the receptionist, grab my kids, and leave as quickly as I can. If I have to talk to anybody, I'll start bawling and I just don't want to go there. Now it's official: I have become the sort of person who doctor-hops. I'm a doctor-hopper.
Yesterday, the co-pay check was returned to me in the mail. Which is nice, and I sure like that one-day mail delivery. So I guess I'm back on my quest to find a reasonably good doctor. I'm thinking I will probably join CHADD, too, to get a recommendation for a specialist who knows enough about A.D.D. to be helpful. Even though it galls me to pay $45 just to get a professional recommendation.
noone 2003-01-28 - 1:05 p.m.
Noone has listed mawm as a favourite yet
It's "no one." A period at the end wouldn't hurt, either: No one has listed mawm as a favourite yet.
I'm going to resist changing the British spelling of favorite, since Andrew is Canadian and I'm not familiar with Canadian spelling conventions.
Look, check this out: Not all English-speaking countries follow the same spelling system. Differences among British, American, and Canadian spelling can prove confusing. Canadian spelling conventions are a mixture of the British and the American systems. You are required to use the Canadian convention when writing a paper for a political science degree at Acadia. The following chart lists some of the most common words spelled differently in British and American English, followed by their preferred Candain spelling.
Candain! Yes, that's their error! Hard to take their spelling threats seriously after that.
I know it's pathetic to use my scant Internet time looking up Canadian spelling conventions. I'm an idiot.
But the upshot is, Noone has listed mawm as a favourite yet
legs 2003-01-24 - 10:37 a.m.
Felony's new ballet teacher is quite possibly the handsomest man I have ever seen in my entire life. Some small part of my brain keeps thinking, "Too bad he's probably..." to which another part of my brain replies, "...and what? If he were straight, you think you would have a chance with him?"
I know it's ridiculous, delusional even, but it does seem to make a difference to me somehow. I guess it's a het thing.
Felony keeps talking about how much he reminds her of her Daddy. I confess I don't quite see the resemblance, but I promise to keep an eye out for it.
criminal 2003-01-21 - 6:14 p.m.
Some fucking piece of human garbage walked up to a two-year-old boy in a Burger King in Pomona and shot him in the head. Just a little baby, for God's sake. The consensus is that the guy was a gang-banger on drugs.
I have had a lot of people I like and admire try to talk me into supporting the legalization of drugs. Now I agree that it's wrong to have legions of people locked away for petty-ante drug crimes, but I'll be good and God-damned if I'll ever support drug legalization. Because I really do believe that if all drugs were legal and widely available, more people would use them. I know I would. And I refuse to believe that's something society needs.
Now some people say that a lot of people are dying right now in the drug war. To which I say, yeah, but most of them are drug dealers. Yes, I know that some of the people are innocent bystanders. But the Burger King alternative is worse. What I can't handle is the random and horrifying way that everyday life gets skewed by people who are just completely out of their minds on dope. I'm sorry, but FUCK THEM ALL. Why on earth would I ever want to help more people get hold of these drugs? It's not as if you can necessarily tell ahead of time who's going to be nice and who's going to be nasty.
I want to live in a world where a mother can take her kids out for fast food and then bring them home intact. Jesus, it's just so wrong.
hey Tipper, have you seen this stuff?? 2003-01-21 - 9:04 a.m.
Heavily into Sailor Moon these days, my kids are. Now Felony is reading a series of books called "Cardcaptors." Frankly, I'm a little nervous about it all. It doesn't take much looking around to find the dark side of anime; its maggot-ridden underbelly where the gratuitous panty shots of the cartoons give way to material that would send Little Annie Fanny on a moral crusade.
to do or not to do, part deux 2003-01-16 - 9:08 a.m.
I get information overload, by which I mean information goes in, and it doesn't come back out. Like right now I have it in my head that Bay Area blood banks are low on blood, need donations, even though I've told myself three times now that I just gave blood on New Year's Eve and can't give again yet. I just keep asking myself, Okay, what do I need to remember? and there it comes again: Bay Area blood banks are low on blood, need donations.
Otherwise, I have to write down my afternoon schedule on a piece of paper so I can parse it, if you will.
Let's see. Felony's new dance class meets at 3:30, which means leave here by 3:15, except I promised to start driving her little friend Hysteria, so I have to be at the after-school center by 3:15. Meanwhile, my girls have a Girl Scout meeting at 4, which Felony will have to miss, since she'll be in class until 4:40. Then she has a long break and takes a second new dance class at...hmm, need to look that up. At the same time, I'm supposed to stay after the Brownie meeting for a mother's meeting that goes from 5:00 to 5:30, to talk about selling cookies (aaaggghhhh!). Which means I should probably try to offload Jinx at my Mom's ahead of time. So maybe 3:00, Jinx to Mom's. Let's see:
11:15 babysit Tabby for Amy's Dr. appt.
2:30 do Felony's hair for dance
3:00 Jinx to Mom's
3:15 Pick up Hysteria
3:30 Felony to dance class
4:00 Criminy to Girl Scouts
4:50 Hysteria to dance class
5:00 Me to mother's meeting
That can't be everything. I'd better go check.
pictionaire 2003-01-11 - 10:54 p.m.
Tried to teach the kids to play Pictionary tonight. We couldn't find the box so we just used a children's dictionary to come up with subjects. But soon enough the kids wanted to come up with their own ideas.
When Jinx drew a lion, it looked like a snake. I whispered in his ear to draw a mane around the lion's head, but he wasn't having any it.
Fishing for clues, Duff said, "What is distinct about this animal?"
"Nooooo!" Jinx cried. "It's not distinct. It's alive!"
Later, Criminy's drawing stumped the entire panel. "Ghost?" we tried. "Dress?" "Blob?"
"It's a person turning into a squid," she explained. Ohhhh. How could we not get that?
to do or not to do 2003-01-11 - 8:39 p.m.
I think I got my dream job today. I went to the library book sale and there was a notice taped to the shelf that said "We need a volunteer to maintain this section for the library sales." Basically, keep the shelves organized like we do at home, not even Dewey Decimal System organized (which I could also do, though it would take more time). So I agreed to do the Home & Garden section and the Education section. Doing so means I have access to the sales shelves in the basement any time the library is open, and I get first pick of the books before they go on sale. Any of the books, not just my sections. I can take my kids with me when I go down there, and if I want to buy anything, there is a metal lockbox I can stuff my money in. They even have a fridge where volunteers can keep their drinks cold.
Sweet Jesus, I could weep with happiness.
My to-do list:
1) finish up those durn Groundhog Day cards
2) make scrapbook pages for baby Fleur's book
--choose news pictures to print
--make up the family tree
--write up family stories
3) figure out what to plant in the garden
etc.
ahhhh.... 2003-01-10 - 5:58 p.m.
Note to self: Your credibility as a water conservation activist will likely suffer until you can curb the impulse to take forty-minute showers.
shaking the dreamland tree 2003-01-10 - 12:07 a.m.
It sounds wrong to say it, but I like my children best when they are sleeping. Then they're not disputatious; not defending themselves or explaining their actions in excruciating detail. They just want to snuggle up to me, with fat little bellies taut and warm as puppies, and once in a while, like a strand of drool, the word "mama" will slip from one or the other's lips in a thoughtless murmur, and that is all. That is everything.
weigh-in 2003-01-09 - 11:33 a.m.
You cannot organize clutter! The minute you put it in nice pretty boxes, you will need something! In your chaotic search, you will watch your neatly colored storage boxes throw-up all over your room. --FlyLady
I just posted 300 pounds to FlyLady's running total of household detritus sacrificed to the landfill gods. I figure that might be even an underestimate given how long it took me to haul that crap out to the curb. Is there anything in the world denser than carpet pads?
maximum suavitee 2003-01-08 - 11:23 p.m.
Keep messing around with this design, trying to get it right, when really I need to go to bed. It is the night before our extra trash pickup day, and I made sure to haul the bags full of carpet pads out there, though they weighed half as much as I do (which is saying something). Got out to the empty can with one bag when I heard footsteps on the sidewalk. Eep! I looked up to see a man walking toward me and swung the bag mightily up to the top of the plastic can, trying to appear both strong and nonchalant, but when I tried to slamdunk the bag it took so much effort to get it up that high that it had forward momentum coming down and just brought the empty can down with it. Right in front of the guy, who now seemed much shorter and older than he had at first appeared. He made a mild joke and I agreed, then stupidly I ran up my front steps, only to catch the lip of my pathetic would-be Tevas on the top step, bringing my living large self down hard on the concrete stoop. I am not yet of an age where falling makes me worry about my hips; instead I just think, God, what an idiot. Seems so absurd to fall at my age. It's like getting a pimple or something. I feel like I should be over it by now.
walking with infidelity 2003-01-08 - 12:12 a.m.
Damn. My arm is aching. Need to go to bed. Duff is in Las Vegas, at a conference. I said, "Take your bathing suit; you might as well have some fun" and he said, "yeah," in such an airy voice that something deep inside me shook off a little dust. In my imagination, a comely young woman jumped out of a cake. I shook it off. Do not consider myself to be a jealous person. OK, not an overly jealous person. But the slightest whiff of infidelity and suddenly I'm part razor blade.
Not that I am worried. I've found that it does no real good to worry about infidelity. Basically, it just smacks you upside the head one day and then you get to walk with it for a while. Until the story breaks.
I don't know why I am writing about this. I know it will seem like it's on my mind but I haven't thought about it once since this morning, when I told him to take his bathing suit. I have thought more about how sore my arm is and how much I need to call the chiropractor, and also about my big meeting with our EF (which will happen in almost exactly twelve hours), and about how I was a bad mother today, and about how good '24' was tonight. Especially the last line.
Anna Nicole, the new ...? 2003-01-05 - 3:57 p.m.
Anna Nicole Smith is going to be to this generation what Zsa Zsa Gabor was to mine. Actually, I'm not sure that's entirely fair to Zsa Zsa. Will have to mull this over.
many a thing you know you'd like to tell her 2003-01-05 - 1:51 p.m.
I get crushes on names. Right now I am terribly fond of the name Maricela. When I was naming my girls, there were several names on my list that started with Mar- or Mir-. Maribel, Mirabel, Maridel, Miranda. I also liked the Irish name Mairead, after the Irish peace activist Mairead Corrigan, and we ended up with a variant, Mhaire, as one of their middle names. Pronunciation (at least in our house) is kind of a cross between Mary and Murray. Lately I've been asking myself why everyone overlooks the really quite lovely Marianne, to say nothing of Maria. I spend far too much time thinking about this.
on memorizing poems and the success of the Girl Scouts 2002-12-29 - 7:03 p.m.
A Lost Eloquence by Carol Muske-Dukes describes the practice, now essentially lost, of memorizing long poems in elocution classes. This I want to do with my kids. Need to come up with a list of suitable poems and assign them.
Beyond Crafts and Cookies, Girl Scouts Are Prospering by Lisa W. Foderaro talks about the rising ranks of Girl Scouts at a time when Boy Scout membership is down. The BSA has held fast to its discriminatory policies and is paying the price; the Girl Scouts don't discriminate.