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< 2006-08-02 : in which I behave like Baby Huey >

in which I behave like Baby Huey 2006-08-02 - 12:12 a.m.

The girls were back on the traveling soccer team and they were playing an exhibition game in a big stadium. Duff had rented an executive suite in a swanky hotel nearby and invited all the families back to his room after the game. I was there, too, but nobody was paying any attention to me. After everyone had made it up to the room Duff ushered them through a door into the larger room and closed the door. I could still hear everyone chattering excitedly. It was fun and I was on my way in when I heard a latecomer at the door. I opened the door and a small person in black tumbled in past me, a witch, about two feet tall, with a powder-blue face. I bet it sounds funny, almost cute. But it wasn't like that. It was like a horror movie, only it was real. She fixed me with an expression of deepest hatred and started drifting toward me. I put my arms out to keep her away from me--I was brave--yet she grabbed my hands, my arms, and even though she was so much smaller than I was she was at least as strong as I was, maybe stronger.

"Duff!" I shouted, trying to sound urgent but not hysterical, because I knew he was entertaining. "Duff! DUFF!" Nothing.
"DUFF!" Louder. I couldn't stop staring at her blue face. Her features were mutable, ever-changing, yet the expression was always the same: livid, ugly, hateful.
"DUFF!" It wasn't working, I could hear him in there, having the time of his life.
"DUUUUUUUFFFFFFFF!"

As a consequence of going off Effexor, I believe, I've been having nightmares for weeks now. It's as if the drug was a manhole cover, and now that it's gone, every creepy crawlie in the sewer of my subconscious is crawling out. When Duff was here I could bury my face in his ribcage and hold on to him until my heartbeat slowed down. But last night he wasn't here, of course. He was at his new place. And I remembered him once promising me that he would always comfort me when I had bad dreams--a half-assed promise, one he probably made when he was half-asleep himself--and I'm ashamed to say it, but I called him. Because it was the middle of the night, and I was scared shitless, and there was no one else in the world to call. I know I shouldn't have done it, it was stupid. He was half-sympathetic and murmured, "Oh, sweetie," which is all he would have done in person, but without the rest of him, without that giant ribcage and his endless arm to go around me, it didn't help at all. What was he going to do, rush right over so I could go back to sleep? But that's what I wanted him to do. I just wanted him to come home and take care of me so I could get back to sleep, and then in the morning, he could go to work and we could get back to our regularly scheduled programming of being frosty, distant, and over. And now I'm afraid to go to sleep.


And I know there's no such thing as fair, but it's NOT fair that the real witch in this story gets to have her own husband, AND my husband, to keep her safe and warm, and I get to have nobody, nobody, nobody, and I didn't do anything wrong. She ought to be the one having bad dreams right now, not me. It's not fair.

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sugar babies 2006-07-31 - 11:43 p.m.

Before I go to bed for the night, I just have to show you my sweet babies. Aren't they something?

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mini-piph: in which she decides to lower the pie 2006-07-31 - 11:26 p.m.

Had a mini epiphany today. Mini-piph. Realized that I've been dragging my heels on writing up resumes and cover letters. I figured it was just laziness. But today I remembered that no, it wasn't that exactly. I remember lying in bed recently thinking that if I taught the classes, instead of taking on other work-work, even good stuff, I should try to write for real. It's not going to happen on its own; I have to make it happen. I have to carve out the universe it will live in and make it my real life and not just, you know, sky pie. So after I figured that out, I felt fine.

What else I did today: took two long walks, including one from 6:30 a.m. to 7:30 a.m., which just never happens. Felony went with me. I wish I could make it sound perfectly wholesome and healthful, but I can't, because we decided to stop at Jack-in-the-Box for a whirlwind breakfast. Oops. Maybe if we can get the walking routine down cold we can work on eliminating the fast-food habit. In other news, I managed to go the whole day without looking Jeff in the face. I only had two short opportunities and I managed to stay out of range. He's become like the basilisk in Harry Potter 2. I don't dare.

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